in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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