I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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