I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize