I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
