What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
