I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
