the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I need to calm my uterus...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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