i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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