im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
