You really coming over, don't trick.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
