If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
