Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
