So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
