I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
