Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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