96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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