i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
