The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
