Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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