So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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