Michael Bay diarrhea
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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