So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
