I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
