who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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