I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
