butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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