It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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