So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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