My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I am one with the molecules
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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