hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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