piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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