I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize