happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i've created a new STD.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
