So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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