Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
