this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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