Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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