Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
