fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize