i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
