he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
