Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
