I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
