dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm too high and old for this...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
