the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
