wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Blood and glitter go together right?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
