I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
