im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
