i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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