what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
