i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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