I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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