Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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