guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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