If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
