I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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