remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
