I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
