Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
