I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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