I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
