Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
