i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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