if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
