How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
